looking back on this letter three weeks later, i feel very much the same as i did when i wrote this. since i wrote this, i have cut myself. i haven't attempted suicide, though the pull towards it is nearly unbearable. two of my friends have committed suicide in the past two weeks, and another died by a horrible accident. i can't imagine why it is everyone in the world, it seems, is feeling so down. maybe it's simply a ripple effect started by the first suicide four months ago in a nearby town. maybe that suicide got people in the mood. all i know is that i promised someone a long long time ago that i would never willingly take my own life, and i'm not one to break my promises.
i've made lots of decisions since writing that last letter. i am leaving my job, my college, my apartment, and my town. i am moving back into my parents house at the age of 18. i am.... sad, i suppose. i feel a bit like a failure. i'm scared that being in that environment will pull me down even farther, but i know that the financial security that will come with it is more valuable. i won't be paying rent or bills anymore. my mom thinks she can help me get a job at a local elementary school as an assistant teacher. that's a better paying job than i've ever had in my life. maybe then i can finally buy a car. i'll save up enough money to be able to get a really good start next year, or even next semester. maybe i'll move into an apartment all by myself so i don't have needy, negative roommates to answer to at the end of the day. who knows? life can only go up from here. i hope.